DOGS RULE AND OTHER TAILS OF FOOLISHNESS
..."just the facts"...with the help of our Boston correspondent Kelly, Sammy the Shih Tzu was declared innocent of all charges on Nov. 1 by DC Superior Court Judge Wright...increasingly irritated by the Plaintiff's hedging, hawing, equivocating and flat-out lying as he dragged out the trial to a whole day, the Judge provided a cryptic history lesson to Plaintiff by recalling the old TV show Dragnet, where Sgt. Joe Friday would instruct witnesses to state "just the facts, ma'am, just the facts"...the highlight in a day of many highlights and lowlights was when the Plaintiff repeatedly asked Kelly "how do you give a dog a pill in a cheeseball"...to which she patiently deadpanned that you wrap the pill up in a ball of cheese and give it to him and - surprise! - the dog eats it...after many minutes of this nonsense, the Judge cut it off with the comment "I think I know how you give a dog a cheeseball"... or as the old joke goes, wrap the pill in cheese and toss it in the air...or go to
http://video.about.com/vetmedicine/How-to-Give-a-Dog-a-Pill.htm ...so ludicrous were the Plaintiff's questions to your editor that most of them ended with the Judge turning to me and saying "Don't answer that" or "You don't have to answer that"...in the end, the exasperated Judge summed up that the trial should have taken one hour at most but had lasted all afternoon, and ruled that rabies shots were completely unnecessary since Sammy was obviously vaccinated at all times...Sammy is now considering counter-suing for defamation of character...
..."just the facts"...with the help of our Boston correspondent Kelly, Sammy the Shih Tzu was declared innocent of all charges on Nov. 1 by DC Superior Court Judge Wright...increasingly irritated by the Plaintiff's hedging, hawing, equivocating and flat-out lying as he dragged out the trial to a whole day, the Judge provided a cryptic history lesson to Plaintiff by recalling the old TV show Dragnet, where Sgt. Joe Friday would instruct witnesses to state "just the facts, ma'am, just the facts"...the highlight in a day of many highlights and lowlights was when the Plaintiff repeatedly asked Kelly "how do you give a dog a pill in a cheeseball"...to which she patiently deadpanned that you wrap the pill up in a ball of cheese and give it to him and - surprise! - the dog eats it...after many minutes of this nonsense, the Judge cut it off with the comment "I think I know how you give a dog a cheeseball"... or as the old joke goes, wrap the pill in cheese and toss it in the air...or go to
http://video.about.com/vetmedicine/How-to-Give-a-Dog-a-Pill.htm ...so ludicrous were the Plaintiff's questions to your editor that most of them ended with the Judge turning to me and saying "Don't answer that" or "You don't have to answer that"...in the end, the exasperated Judge summed up that the trial should have taken one hour at most but had lasted all afternoon, and ruled that rabies shots were completely unnecessary since Sammy was obviously vaccinated at all times...Sammy is now considering counter-suing for defamation of character...
Sammy's Revenge
...Hizdizonner...What is it about North American Mayors?...we've had Kwame "(show-me-the-money") Brown thrown in jail in Detroit, Bob ("Filthy") Filner thrown out of office in San Diego, and now comes Rob ("the taxpayer") Ford in Toronto...we could go on about how he explained smoking crack by saying he was in "a drunken stupor" (oh, that explains it)...or how he knocked over a gray-haired councilwoman during a public meeting, or how he denied pressuring a female staff member for oral sex by saying that he got it at home, but we really think one picture of this guy says more than we ever could about how fit he is to run a major city...
...Say it ain't so, Joe...Vice President Joe Biden was so excited that Marty Walsh won the Boston mayoral primary that he rang him up to offer congratulations...trouble was, it was the wrong Marty Walsh...it seems that the name is legion in the Boston area...we hope the Veep eventually got the right guy...
...the Royal "we" - that explains everything...Sen. Rand Paul (Liar-KY), having been exposed of plaigerizing others' work at least three times, including in a book he published, has responded like - well, like a plaigerizing hypocrite...instead of "manning up", Paul is blaming his staff...“What we are going to do from here forward, if it will make people leave me the hell alone, is we’re going to do them like college papers,” he said...in case his attempt to shift blame from himself wasn't clear, he added that “we’ve never intended to deceive people, and we’ve made mistakes"...reminds me of what Tonto said when the Lone Ranger told him we're surrounded..."what you mean we, white man?"...
...Oops!...expressing European outrage at the US Soviet-model spying network, Le Monde pitched up a rare English language headline saying "No You Can't", a caustic turn on President Obama's campaign slogan of "Yes We Can"...no word on whether the Paris newspaper is considering a retraction since it has now been revealed that the European governments, including specifically the Froggies, were in total cahoots with the US in gathering information on its own citizens...hey, what can we say, we Americans learned this stuff from you guys...
...it ogles the mind...in a shocking development, Faux News has reported that men actually "ogle" women's bodies...in a study that probably took all of two seconds due to the ready availability of willing and eager subjects, Dr. Sarah Gervals of the University of Nebraska fitted men with an eye-tracking system which measured how many milliseconds their eyes remained on a certain feature...milliseconds!???...incredibly, Dr. Sarah found that men look at women's bodies more than their faces, and in particular, "women with bigger breasts, narrower waists, and bigger hips prompted longer looks"...in a related development it is also reported than men's IQs drop more than 50 points while looking at women...
...if you ask me, they got off cheap...just read in the Irish Independent that a pub in Dublin charged some sucker $9.50 (€7.15) for a pint of beer...if one considers Coors to be a beer (it isn't)...the pub in question was the classic uber-touristy Oliver St. John Gogarty in Temple Bar...so there you have 1) the ultimate clueless American (who else would order a Coors?) 2) go into a faux pub 3) named after an upper crust Anglo 3) in the least-Irish part of Ireland and 4) order panther pis manufactured in Colorado...I say they didn't charge enough - there should have been an "idiot's surcharge"...
...which brings us to our brew of the month...Old Jubilation Ale gets my nod for the upcoming holiday season...from Avery Brewery in Colorado, it has a fresh, clear taste, lighter than most ales, very crisp, with a nice finish...
...speaking of which - I think I'm finished, and it's time for a couple of REAL beers in a REAL pub that doesn't charge an Anglo's ransom...
- the Brewmeister -
