HAPPY BIRTHDAY SHARON!

...(today is the day and I just had to get that in)...

...how about some good news...(since you won't hear about it in the mainstream media)...it was announced today that the International Commission of Verification of Ceasefire in the Basque County has verified that the resistance group ETA has put a significant portion of their arms beyond use, and the Verification Committee considers this an important step toward complete disarmament...the effort toward a peaceful resolution of the conflict started in 2010 and has drawn heavily from participants in the Irish peace process for guidance...it remains to be seen how the Spanish and French governments react to the latest development but progress continues on the ground and we applaud these efforts...
....the Beatles were right (and so was Marcus Garvey)...two new studies have concluded that some present-day humans share the DNA of Neanderthals, according to a report in the Washington Post...although the last of the Neanderthals died out 30,000 years ago, genes taken from the toe of a 130,000-year-old female found in a Siberian cave (presumably she was dead) match those found in the skin and hair of East Asians and Europeans...but not in indigenous Africans, proving that only whites and Asians interbred with the cavemen, as touchingly suggested by the 1953 movie promo below...

"I'm a Neanderthal boy,
You're a Neanderthal girl..."

...and this proves it...more evidence confirming that the cave man walks amongst us was uncovered immediately after President Obama's State of the Union Address, when the appropriately-named Congressman Mike Grimm (Neanderthal-Staten Island) told a TV reporter in the hallowed halls of our Capitol building "I"ll throw you off this f---ing balcony" and then to be sure his statesman-like message was not misunderstood, told the reporter "I'll break you in half, like a boy"...if anyone still wonders how our country has become such a mess, it's because low-lifes like Mr. Grimm are making our policy...now that's scary...

Congressman Grimm: 
I'd like to apologize to all
my ancestors for talking
like a Homo Sapien.

...government blankets Atlanta with fake snow...well, this being loony-bin America, that's what some Southern crackers think anyway...the internet is ablaze with conspiracy theories about how our pesky government ginned up the massive (one inch/three centimeter) snowfall in Atlanta (one inch being massive in the minds of Southerners and conspiracists)...
http://mentalfloss.com/article/54845/snow-down-south-fake-say-conspiracy-theorists...probably the same gang that shot JFK, made up climate change, invented Darwin, sent black helicopters to spy on us, and inserted listening devices in my teeth... 
..."Roll over Beethoven and tell Tschaikowsky the news"...from Japan comes the strange story of Mamoru Samuragochi, renowned composer who has evoked comparisons to Ludwig von Beethoven because of his brilliance and his deafness...except...he didn't write the works he claimed credit for...and...he's not even deaf...good grief!...it emerged last week that a part-time lecturer at a music school in Tokyo, Takashi Niigaki, 43, has ghost-written symphonies for Samuragochi for twenty years for cold hard cash...a few days after this shocking news, the proverbial stuff really hit the fan when Niigaki also told reporters that he had many conversations with Samuragochi over the years and the fake composer is definitely not deaf...

Mamoru Samuragoch: 

More like Chuck Berry than Beethoven

...Better than WebMD - NOT!...so I got on the elevator today with a work colleague and she mentioned she had a slight cold when we both noticed the other guy on the elevator was staring with a weird, creepy look...now my colleague is a pretty young blond and I figured this other guy was just leering awkwardly but then he bursts out with "the way to prevent colds is an ice bath" -- real serious like...and as Blondie and I are grappling with how to respond to that without laughing he further offers that just one ice bath at the beginning of winter will prevent colds all year...about then the elevator opens and we all walk outside and the pocket doctor immediately lights up a cigarette...so  let's see...we're supposed to take medical advice from a smoker...yea, and now I gotta find a politician to teach me ethics...
...Who knew?...not to be outdone by Elevator Guy, John Sutton of Berekely Springs, West Virginia, in a letter to the Morgan Messenger, informs us that Democrats, Republicans, Tea Partiers, Socialists and yes, even Commies can now unite on an issue - to Impeach Obama!...the reason for this consensus is "because Obama has given himself the right to disband Congress"...but why didn't we know this?..."this has not been widely publicized because our controlled 'mainstream' media would rather keep it secret" and "if you don't believe it, look it up"...unfortunately, Dear John did not tell us just exactly where we can look up this terrifying revelation...
...Speaking of space cadets...our senior correspondent Murph reports that the National Aeronautics and Space Administration has announced a public forum to provide a status on the agency's asteroid initiative...issues to be addressed include (we are not making this up) "Update on Asteroid Redirect Mission studies" and "Asteroid Grand Challenge engagement opportunities"...left unclear is whether the Asteroid Grand Challenge is a quiz game or a golf tournament on your local asteroid...and we don't even want to guess at what the Asteroid Redirect Mission involves...

...in closing...I believe that if Gov. Christie, Rep. Grimm, the Atlanta Fake Snowmen, Mr. Samuragochi, and Mr. Sutton would all just chill out with a Pete's Brew-recommended frosty, they might take themselves a little less seriously and actually have some fun...and this month that would be with a cold Great Lakes Brewery Irish Red Ale...

- the Brewmeister -